Angel Lansley

***Thank you to everyone who is so kind enough to light candles for our baby daughter. It means so much to us. You are so thoughtful. My thoughts are with you and your Angels***

I found out I was Pregnant on 25th October 2008, and both Daddy and I cannot express the happiness and excitement we felt.
It took us 3 months, but we finally made you :)
As soon as we found out I was pregnant, we both felt a rush of unconditional love for you.
We saw you on 2 occasions before that awful day on 18/12/08
First we saw you on 18/11/08 when you where 6 weeks old, you looked like a tiny bean, but your heart was fluttering away- you made me cry!
Then again we saw you on 05/12/08 when you measured 10 weeks, oh you were so beautiful, we were both so proud of you, you measured 2.98cm and you were kicking your legs about and waving to the camera!
We came out of the private clinic so, so happy :)
This is my favorite memory of you my darling Angel, and how you made both Daddy and I feel on that wonderful day.
We then went to see you again on 18/12/08... Only to be told you had 7.30 fluid behind your neck, over your belly and around you like a halo... We were also told you body was very, very swollen.
The nurse came and spoke to us and said you were very poorly and that your little heart might stop beating, or you would pass away over the weekend :'-(
The most worst, awful, dreaded words you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to hear, within an instinct everything was taken away from us.
Daddy and I left the hospital in floods & floods of tears...
I can remember that day Angel, as if it was yesterday, I can remember sitting at my desk at work, talking to my friend telling her that now I am 12 weeks, I cant believe I may actually really become a Mummy, and then within an hour, everything was taken away from the 3 of us.

I then went back on Monday 22nd December 2008 to have a CVS done, it was horrible, the doctor was so kind to us though.
He told me that there was a 70% chance that you maybe very poorly, they then stuck a long thick needle in Mummy’s tummy, I started shaking and crying a little and Daddy couldn’t bare to see us in pain that he had to leave the room :(
The only joy from that day was getting to see you again and hear your amazing heart beat 3 times!
You looked so, so perfect.

It was a long hard wait, everyday I was very ill, but on Xmas day you let Mummy only be sick the once and I even told the camera that you were only saying Hello :)
We got the results back on 31/12/08 at 11.00am, a day I will never, ever forget.
Daddy came in to Mummy's work about 10.45 and we went in to a private office and rung the hospital. I can still hear the lady’s voice clear as day.
'I’m sorry, it is bad news, I’m afraid your baby has server downs'
I just said ok, Thanks.
At the time I didn’t ask for your sex, it didn’t matter too me. Knowing I was loosing you was enough.
I knew Angel, I knew deep down my darling that you were poorly, even though everyday I would pray for your health, and Daddy and I tried to remain positive.
I had to go in to the hospital at 4.00pm to see the Consultant. as we went in, I said to Daddy 'If they tell us its a boy, I will be so shocked because I am telling you its a girl' Because we had such a strong connection my Angel.
Well of course, Mummy was right! But girlies always are aren’t we Princess?
The consultant told us 'I believe you wanted to know the sex, it is a girl' Hearing those words made me cry even more.
She told us you had server Downs Syndrome and were your body was so swollen so early, it indicate a large heart defect. She told me If I wished to carry on the pregnancy, I had a 10% chance of going to term, and even then you would have been in so much pain you would not of survived very long.
Daddy and I decided, through the tears there and then that the best thing for us to do was end the pregnancy, Oh god how I wish so, so much that we didn’t have too, I cannot tell you how much we wanted you Princess, words will never be enough to explain.
I then had to take a tablet, researching shows, I believe, this may have stopped your heart beating, so now I know my darling you were in no more pain when we had to say good bye to you on that awful morning- 2nd January 2009. A date that will never leave my memory.

So on 02/01/09 I had to go in for a termination.
Daddy was here with us the whole time.
Daddy and I went in to the hospital at 7, even in the car park I was sick one last time with you my darling.
I got wheeled in to the room just before theatre just after 11.
Daddy wasn't allowed to come in any further, So I had to hold his hand, cry & kiss him goodbye.

When they wheeled me in to room before the theatre room, I started to cry, and the nurse was holding my hand.
She then wheeled me in to the theatre room, and as they started putting the drip in my arm, I started crying, then I started really balling and wasn’t able to breath properly, because I knew, once I woke up, my precious Angel, whom we wanted and loved so, so much, would not be in my belly.
The nurses gave me oxygen and tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t stop crying. I then had to take deep breaths, and while I was slightly calmer, they injected me.
When I came round in recovery, I remember I was gagging and they stuck a tube down my throat to get whatever was in the way... Daddy pointed out later I had sick on my face, so I’m guessing that’s what it was :(
When I woke up I was calling for Daddy, so after a little while alter they wheeled me back on to the ward and daddy was following behind.
They let me leave just after 6.30pm and Daddy and I went and saw Nanny & Grandad and then we went home.

I was off for the following 2 weeks, and every time Daddy had to pop out to get something from the shops, I would start crying and couldn’t stop.

When I felt strong enough, Daddy and I went and bought some bits and made you, a pink flower pot, where daddy wrote your name ‘Angel’ on the front and back. We then got foam, and planted a pink and white rose, and covered the foam in rose coloured stones. We then planted tiny pink and white roses round the outside, which had diamantes in. We also got a large key ring to put in with you that said 'Angel' in small crystal beads on. We then chose a beautiful in loving memory card for you, and put it in a frame that Nanny Claire and Grandad Shaun bought us for Christmas. It is lovely, its black with silver crystal tear drops, so we felt this appropriate for your card and photos to be in.

Recently darling as you know, I bought you a memory box and put in it:

My pregnancy tests with you :)
A coat we had bought for you
Your photos
A teddy we had bought for you
Your flower pot & memory card

As I am sure you have seen Princess, on the mantel piece, we have a lovely pink frame that says 'Angel' in glitter on and a photo of you inside :)

I love you so much Angel, as does Daddy, and not a single day passes where you aren’t in my mind and heart.
You were loved so much, more then you will ever know.
If love could of given you life my Princess, you would have lived forever.

We love you so much, not ever we will forget you.
Our first baby girl.

Love you forever Our Angel.
Good Night,
Mummy & Daddy
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I believe in Angels
I wish it wasn’t true,
We didn’t want an Angel
We only wanted you
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I do know how I am going to cope when your due date comes around 04/07/09 my beautiful Angel, how I wish you would be with me.
I have been looking at my Pregnancy Diary, and all my dreams and everything we had planned has just gone.
It should of been your first Christmas this year, you would have been 5 months.
My baby I love you so much, words and tears will never express my deepest thoughts and love for you.
Mummy
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25/09/09
Hello my Princess, Daddy and I think about you everyday my darling, as you know. You would have been just over 2 months now, how fast time fly’s.
I know you are looking after & keeping your little Brother safe.
You truly are an Angel my girl.
I love you so, so much.
Mummy
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22/12/10
Our second xmas without you is approuching my girl.
We love & miss you more then you'll ever know.
Floaty kisses to you my princess xxxxx